Holidays, New Year's and Writer's Block

I think I watched too much Maron, Soprano's and Downton Abby over the Holidays, which means that I had too much time off and too much down time. Plus, I was really sick so I just streamed what ever was on my watch list and just played it and well, slept. I'm starting to feel a little depressed from the over watching of Maron, but I've come to the realization that I do however need to find my own version of Kyle. Not sure where I can find someone that will pin all their self worth on me though.

Anyway the Holidays...love Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I'm glad the gift buying is over. I don't mind shopping and doing the whole gift thing since really the only people I shop for anymore is my kid and my niece and nephew, so really have nothing to complain about. It's just hectic and I sometimes feel the need to yell hatefully at other shoppers when they get in my way or do something stupid, (the over watching and listening of Maron is coming to the surface). Christmas was fun even though I was sick as heck. We just watched the kid open gifts, watched movies and ordered Chinese food. It was nice not to have to worry about what we were having and having to make a meal. Plus we had cookies and junk so really no need to add more to the house....but fattening Chinese food is always good.

New Years, I spent with the kid. It was calm, we played Wii, ate party food, i.e. mini hotdogs wrapped in puff pastry, etc. We watched Dick Clarks' Rockin' New Years Eve, but it isn't as good or as cool as when he was alive. It actually really sucked, I think next year we will go somewhere, not sure where you can take an 11 year old on New Years, but need to find somewhere to take her, I just can't stand Ryan Seacrest and the shows format is awful anymore.

I really didn't mean for this blog to be whiny and self serving, like I said too much Maron makes me whiny. Anyway, Holidays kind of stressful but fun. There were cookies, fudge and lots of chocolate so it was a good time all around. I don't get how people can not like the holidays, the lights, the sometimes snow, and the music and the food....okay the food can be crazy because it's not what we would normally eat at all, but hey it's celebration time. It just kind of makes me wonder why food plays such a big part of all of our society's celebrations. I guess it's because it's what brings people together. One thing I hate about New Years is the resolution. I don't get it. I don't really make resolutions, I really try to just make changes and set goals...which I sometimes don't make. I'm going to try to do a list of adverbs that I will try to keep to this year, which I think may work better. I'm just going to try and make some changes.

So I think that I have a case of the writer's block. I can put things down here and be okay with it but sitting down and working on a story or a script has been really hard. I have an idea and I can play it in my head but writing it down has been really hard lately. I think I need to meditate and do yoga more...or I just need to write. I hate not being able to bring my ideas to fruition. I really want to work on getting something published. I'd really like to make a movie or get the process started on making a movie this year, but I need funding. I guess I could always sell a kidney or other vital organ to get things going....or I could always start a go fund me account or something, but really I would like to work with a company that has the money to do independent movies, like Netflix, Amazon, or HBO. It would be a start at something.

I didn't mean for this entry to be so self serving, but things are what they are right now. I will more than likely be writing another entry about the attacks in Paris last week. But for now Je suis Charlie.

Just need to get something off my chest

So awhile ago I had to go to a Child Support conference with my daughters father and he said something that really cheezed me off. So for some reason I wrote a poem and I now feel like sharing it with people. I think I just feel the need to vent. Please bare with me while I do so.

Note to My Daughter's Father

You can be mad at me 

and try to blame me 

for the loss of your 

relationship with your 

daughter, but I know

that I gave you every 

opportunity to be her father. 

From the moment that 

she was born I gave 

you the opportunity to 

be the man and father 

that she needed, instead

you turned a blind eye, 

and turned a spotlight 

onto drugs, alcohol and 

criminal mischief. 

You turned a blind eye

to her needs till it 

suited your life and you 

needed something to care 

about to make you feel better 

about yourself. 

When you came into her 

life at three years old, 

meeting her for the first 

time in a Therapist's office, 

she asked you, "Why didn't 

you want me?" 

It was a question I hadn't 

prompted her with, a question 

she had not asked me about you, 

but a question she needed an 

answer from you, but 

you didn't answer it. 

Instead a year and a half later, 

you left again. 

During your time around her

you wanted her to call you "Daddy"

when in her mind you weren't. 

You were upset by the fact 

that she calls her Uncle Dad 

and wanted her to stop. 

But the fact is he is. 

He's the one who stepped up, 

bought diapers, clothes, 

played with her, watched 

Sesame Street, spent countless 

hours making her laugh, changed 

her diapers, paced the floor with her 

when she was sick, snuggled watching 

movies, taught her how to swim, 

talk and walk and was there for all 

her firsts, while you were out in 

a drug fueled haze. 

He's her dad. 

You've recently come back around 

surprised that she doesn't want to 

to see you, telling me and the 

Child Support Counselor, 

"Oh, well I have my son."

My daughter is not replaceable. 

She is a person who you should 

have respect for because no matter what 

she is your daughter. 

You hear all this noise from 

biological fathers about 

how they have to fight for 

time, etc. for most of them 

I feel the pain and understand, 

but for you I have none, 

because you blatantly 

threw it way for a high. 

You have no one to blame 

but yourself, you had 

more opportunities than most

and threw them all away. 

You can't blame me, because I tried, 

for my daughter I tried and made sure 

she knew that I've tried.

I will never feel bad when I tell her,

"Hey he's the one who is missing out not you. 

You are amazing and it's his loss, not yours."

You have no one to blame for the way 

things turned out but yourself and 

you have to deal with that, not me, not her,

but you. 

I just needed to vent and get this off my chest, feeling a bit better now. Next post will be better. 

The Thing About Robin Williams

It's taken me a long time to write about the passing of Robin Williams. Mostly because I had a lot to think about. He was a man who, unbeknownst to him, spent a lot of time in my life.

Mork and Mindy was one of the first shows that I watched on a regular basis. Here was this quirky, weird guy with all these voices and here I was, a pudgy little 3 and half year old, how could he not win me as a fan? He did and swiftly.  My favorite part in the show every week was when he would report back to Ork and tell them what he learned on earth that day. There was always something to learn from it, like you should treat people with respect because then they will respect you and that even though your neighbor is bat shit crazy, you never let on that you know that he is and you treat him like everyone else. Also, if you want to be the first male cheerleader you really do need more than curiosity and eagerness. Confidence, you need confidence. And that is one thing that Robin Williams had tons of.

Not only was he a wonderful comedienne, but he was an amazing character actor. Two of my favorite movies with Robin Williams are The World According To Garp and Moscow on the Hudson. Williams' Garp gave him more character than he had in the book, giving him more credit than just the son of a feminist. Why is Moscow on the Hudson one of my favorite Williams roles? I'm not really sure, the movie just brought what it would be like to be a scared newly arrived immigrant who had just defected.  His character, Vladimir, gives up everything to stay in America, which I thought was extremely brave, I was also only 11 when I watched the film for the first time. I just really liked the movie, whatever it was that resonated with me when I was 11, still resonates with me today as I re-watched the film again recently.

I wish that Mr.Williams knew how much he added to my life, not only with his willingness to make others laugh, but to make me aware that in order to make people laugh you also have to deal with the sad things in life, like homelessness, poverty, mental illness and addictions in the world. He never shied away from talking about his own mental illness and addictions or his work with the homeless. He showed that if you have good fortune you must give back to help make things better for other people, which is what he did when he made other people laugh. When you laugh it lifts you in more ways than one; it can brighten a room.

It saddens me that a man who brought so many people so much happiness had so much sadness inside himself. What saddens me even more is that he knew that he made people happy, he had to know that because when he made us laugh he lit up even more, it was like we were feeding the brightest light in the world. Many people say, " Oh if only he had gotten the help he needed" when you're in a depression like he was there is no way out, to you there is only one way out and that's it, there are no other options. Having been depressed, I know, the only thing that kept me from falling down the hole was thinking about what it would do to my daughter, she already has one parent that has opted out on her, what would it do to her if the other did the same? I couldn't do that to her so instead I went to counseling (luckily the college that I was attending at the time had free mental health care for their students, there should be more clinics like it around). I was extremely lucky that I had a really great support system in my mother and brother; without their help who knows what would've happened. I'm not saying that Mr.Williams didn't have a good support team behind him, he obviously did, but when you're dealing with a physical disease, like Parkinson or Lewy bodies disease (which it has been determined by coroners that he had)  that will take you away from the people and the thing that makes you, you. I wouldn't want to live that way, to watch myself slip away and not be able to control it, would be heartbreaking and I wouldn't want my family to see me have to suffer through it. I would want them to remember me as I had been: outgoing, energetic and doing the things that I love, not suffering and having to be told who they were and what we were doing.

It breaks my heart that he is gone, but I am so happy that I had the chance and honor to witness the genius that was Mr.Robin Williams and I thank his family for sharing him with the world.

"If heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing," Robin Williams 1951-2014

November Birthday Memory

My dad's birthday was last week on Veterans' Day. I was going to post something last week, but I thought it was better that the day be focused on our Veterans, who don't get enough recognition in my opinion.

My dad was killed in an auto vs. bicycle accident on April 7, 1991. It was tragic and it affected my life and my families lives in so many ways there just isn't enough space here to talk about how his death changed our lives. Anyway, in the months leading up to his death, my dad was working in California for the cabinetry and carpentry company that he worked for, they had landed a contract that required that they send some of the guys out to complete the work. My birthday is November 5th, he was going to be gone at that time, but he was going to be back around Thanksgiving. My mom took me to dinner at  Imperial Chinese restaurant here in Denver, one of my favorite places,(they have the best Seafood Bird's nest, I don't think anyone else serves this), it's one memory of my birthday's that sticks out, it was my 15th birthday and I had a great time with my mom. This birthday doesn't just stick out because of the dinner, spending time with my mom; it'll always stick out because when my dad came back into town he brought me a present, "The Best Loved Poems of the American People" selected by Hazel Felleman. I loved reading and was really into poetry at the time and he had found the book at a bookstore close to where he was staying in Los Angeles.  I loved the book, not only because of the amazing poems it had in it, but because he knew me well enough to know that it would become one of my favorite possessions. This book has gone one trips with me, moved with me when I moved out and to four different apartments/houses and has become well worn and loved.

When my dad gave me the book he had marked a few poems he thought that I would like his favorite that he had read was "The Ship" by Charles Mackay. It's about death, and I've always found it odd that this was one of the poems that he was reading just months before his death, he was also  reading "Go to the Widow Maker" by James Jones, about a playwright who becomes obsessed with deep-sea diving, odd coincidences, but interesting enough to make you 'hmm". My dad loved warm climates, was a professional bicyclist (even though to him it was probably just a hobby, he was a professional bicyclist, he was in quite a few races and rode with a few teams here in Colorado), a carpenter, a harmonica player, an avid Jimmy Buffet fan and dad who made certain his kids knew he was there for them any time they needed him. He was a really great guy. He made my childhood, and my sister and brother's a lot of fun, we have a lot of memories, for that I'm grateful. It was as Jimmy Buffet said "I'm sorry it's ended/It's sad but it's true/Honey it's been a lovely cruise".

"The Ship"

by Charles Mackay

A King, a pope, and a kaiser, 

And a queen -most fair was she-

Went sailing, sailing, sailing, 

Over a sunny sea. 

And amid them sat a beggar,

A churl of low degree;

And they all went sailing, sailing, 

Over the sunny sea. 

And the king said to the kaiser,

And his comrades fair and free, 

"Let us turn adrift this beggar, 

This Churl of low degree, 

For he taints the balmy odors

That blow to you and me, 

As we travel -sailing, sailing, 

Over the sunny sea." 

"The ship is mine," said the beggar-

That churl of low degree- 

"And we're all of us sailing, sailing, 

To the grave o'er the sunny sea;

And you may not and cannot

Get rid of mine, or me;

No! not for your crowns and scepters-

And my name is Death!" quoth he. 

For Memorial Day : Shipping out to Iraq.

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was looking for another article that I wrote about my brother going to Iraq. I don't think that this is the original that I wrote, I think this is the rough draft. Still it sums up what it is like to have a family member in the Military. When and if I find the one I'm looking for I'll post that as well. I'll also be posting another blog post later this week.

Shipping out to Iraq: 
A sister’s hopes and fears for a brother going to fight for his country in Iraq

I think that people who do not have a son or daughter in the military don’t realize the importance of what is going on in Iraq.

 To many of them it is just something that is happening in another country, something our country just happens to be involved in. They don’t understand that the families of soldiers are going through immense pressure and stress, a kind of stress that they just don’t have in their lives.

I understand this pressure all too well, my brother is a soldier and will be deployed to Iraq in August. We have just found out that he will be deployed, and now we mark every day that he is still in the United States as a day that he is lucky enough to be alive.

You see, to a soldier’s family, just knowing that he is being sent there is no different from a looming death sentence.

We know the reason why he is going and we understand that he is a soldier and it is his job, but at the same time we would prefer that he was not being sent over.

Being a soldier is a hard job; our troops carry more weight on their shoulders than anyone in the United States. They have a responsibility to their family, country and the soldiers in their platoon. They have to get the job done and they only have one chance to get it right.

It’s not like when you are entering data in an office, that you have the chance to go back and try again, our soldiers have to enter it in correctly the first time. If not, there is a chance they have just lost their men.

Without people like my brother this country would not be a free one. Lucky for us there still are men who will put their lives at risk, because they believe that America should stay a free country, that other countries deserve the chance to have democracy. Most of the soldiers who are over in Iraq right now are not there because they believe in George W. Bush, they are there because they want to help the people.

Most of them have said it is hard as they face opposition from some of the people who live there. But they say that once they realize that they have helped build a school, hospital or any other much needed resource for these people, to them that is what being over there is about.

The help that they give, no matter how small or trivial it may seem to us, means so much more to the people of Iraq. We have to remember that soldiers are not there on a political agenda, but are there for the good of human kind. They do not like having to be caught up in a political tug of war and would like no better than to not be engaged in a war at all.

They hold on to the fact that they can make a difference in someone’s life.  They are there,  helping to make this world safer for us; without the soldiers where would we be?

The families of the soldiers hope that this war is not just to make President Bush look like he really cares, that the soldiers are not there to serve as part of his own agenda. That the reason we are there is that this far-off country needed our help, that Saddam Hussein was a threat to the American way of life.

Knowing that our sons, brothers and daughters are over there actually trying to make a difference in the world, trying to help the people is the one thing that keeps us going. For that fact alone, we are all grateful that they have the courage to do the job that they signed up to do

Clerks, Writing, and Other Musings

Last month was the 20th anniversary of  Clerks premiering at Sundance. It's hard to believe that it's been 20 years since one of my favorite movies came out. It's just a little movie about some guys who jockeyed registers. Really? Really, couldn't make it up if I wanted to, that's all it is. But it's about so much more than that. It's about the human condition, our need for approval and understanding in someone else, even if it comes in the form of an obnoxious (all be it entertaining) asshole hetero life mate, Randall.

Randall. Best. Thing. Ever.Most women, girls in general  hate this character, I, for some reason gravitate towards him. I think it's my need to have to call someone on their shit and have amazing conversations about it while I do it. Also there is that part of me that is Randall. Like, really for the most part people bug the hell out of me, but I love gatherings. And I totally understand his Trilogy (if you don't know what Trilogy I speak of stop reading now and walk away quickly, because in the words of Randall, there is only one Trilogy) Theory. Yes, he maybe a slacker but damn if the guy doesn't know his shit and can back it up.

Dante, Dante. Great character really wish at some point he would grow a dick. I mean come on do something with your potential, rather than sit there and bitch about a situation, every situation. Again though, he's a piece of everyone. The struggle of humanity if you will. I love Dante. he makes my heart happy for some reason. He's a good guy who unfortunately makes stupid decisions with the help of said hetero life mate mentioned above.

Jay and Silent Bob? Genius. One of my favorite scenes has Jay in it. Dante,"I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?" Jay, "I'm not!" Snowball walking up, "Have you got anything man? Jay,"What you need?" Uprising of the common man against the authority that beats them down. Sort of. Really they're the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Clerks. 

Clerks turned 20. I remember the first time I saw it. It showed me possibilities, which are still viable. So amazing what a little movie can do. Thanks Kevin Smith for all the great conversations that this movie has started, all the fun watching it and all the times I've learned and seen something new in this film. 

Writing has been going. Just trying to decide what project I want to work on, which has been hard, because I would love to do both. I love horror movies and I think I can get this one going and it would be good. At the same time though I'm really being pulled toward writing about my own story, something personal and something I want to really invest my time into. I'm also doing a few shows this month for In Tune Colorado, so writing is getting done and I'm enjoying it 

A lot has happened this year and it's only going to be March. Superbowl Sunday, I woke up and received a text that really stunned me. Philip Seymour Hoffman had died that morning. I didn't know him personally but I respected his work, he was an amazing character actor and from what I've been hearing about him, he was one good man. One of my favorite roles of his was Sandy Lyle in Along Came Polly. The simplistic pigheadedness of this character is probable the best thing about the movie. I revealed in how easily Philip Seymour Hoffman changed form character to character with simple ease, but I knew it wasn't easy. It's hard to be someone else and then finish that performance and become your self again. You carry a lot of a character with you when you act. It's a part of you that you have to pull out and show, all vulnerabilities on display. That's a lot to carry for anyone. My favorite role of his is of course Truman Capote. I believe that his interpretation of Capote is a very accurate depiction of Capote at that time in his life.  I wish, as I'm sure everyone does that Mr.Hoffman had been able to control his demons, but really sometimes as humans are, we just can't beat them no matter how much we want to. My heart goes out to his partner, children and friends, know that his work brought many happiness and he helped us to explore ourselves in new ways. 

It's been awhile, I've been working through some stuff and writing about your shit while you're going through some of it is really hard. You have to fight hard against the depression and really keep going, just get things done. (First world problems,right?)

So today was my birthday, and I was grumpy about it. My friend Michelle at work even sent me this guy https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE95Ks_KgLUImEDyQSzDSGLMupUHCREArH2Hcx91y-l6a5ZPLk4Ix53I3CkZ5prkHOwSCiQdJfpFm3U8xHc20MmP7GbHXmfRuCwCkCiF1C7161SvhvKBrLACjADWK7HkiZEDiNBb_PlSQ/s1600/happy_birthday_by_babsdraws.png  Great, right? I loved it, made my day, I may have even snorted. Anyway I was grumpy primarily because I expected to be some where else at this point and I have no clue why I'm not. I mean yeah I've had great, big, huge hiccups in life but still what is it that's been holding me back. Myself. I've been lazy, I've been afraid to do the work. Not sure why I have been but I have. This realization though started me writing tonight so I think that's a start in the right direction to start working on shit. Something has to get me writing again though, I feel like I've lost the biggest part of me. 

I was going through some old articles this weekend from when I was attending ACC and Editor In-Chief of the Arapahoe Free Press. I'm reading assignments, editorials and reviews and all I think is this person who wrote this is so foreign to me, where the fuck am I? 

I know a lot of people have been wondering about the name change. Those of you I've grown up with and met over the last few years know me as Beverly or Bev, and  you can keep calling me that, I like to keep where I came from, it's me. But, I've never liked the name. I have no connection to it what so ever, I honestly don't understand how my parents, my parents named me that, it's such a heavy name for a baby. And my Aunt's name is Beverly. Let's just say we don't mesh and leave it at that. Being named after someone you live your life being called "little" and "other"(not my kid though, she's just Cyd ,the one and only), but that's mostly because of my Grandma, I think I just figured out why I don't like my name, my Grandmother....but that's another story for another time, actually that's a therapy session and medication. Anyway, I just felt like I needed to get back to being me and my middle name, Christine, just feels right, it fits, it's me. That name makes me feel good about myself, it brings me back being me and has started to open writing back up to me. 

Honestly this is probable the best  birthday I've ever had, at a really tough time, but something amazing is going to happen.

*Thanks for the best day Cyd, you made it better. <3 Mom

11/5/2013